Title of Artwork:  ME – In Public and ME – In Private

Acrylic painted mixed media mask on canvas in 3D

I wanted to show how invisible wounds can hurt just as much, if not more, than physical wounds.  What I allowed people to see, they would think I was the picture-perfect example of physical, emotional and mental well-being, however, on the inside, I was a prisoner of my own mind, paralyzed with self-doubt, shame, guilt, disgust, just to name a few.  My traumas lived deep within my soul; they fed off each other like a virus.  I was tormented and suffocating in my own body.  They were eating me alive.  I wanted to create something where I could show how deep, ugly and debilitating these invisible wounds can be.  They destroy everything from your mind, body, soul, innocence, joy, hopes, dreams, confidence, self-worth, faith…basically, they destroy your life.  I used a variety of techniques in making these masks.

ME – In Public, I used #3 Medium to show a shiny glow, I used the color yellow, which says “bright, happy, joyful”.  I let the public believe I was all of those things. I used bright shiny diamonds in my eyes to show I was full of life and happiness, with rosy red cheeks and a big smile.  I used sparkling diamonds, a colorful patch with love/hearts and beautiful flowers growing from my head to show I was someone who loved herself, was surrounded by love, was positive and confident, planting only positive thoughts in my mind, like fresh flowers blooming.  The big pink bow to add a little jazz, I finished it off with a nice white ribbon, a final attempt to reiterate to the world that I was all of these happy, positive things, all wrapped up in a nice package.

ME – In Private, I used #5 Coarse to show the grittiness/roughness of my world.  I used several colors to represent my invisible wounds, what I hid from the public.  The colors are my life, my traumas, my invisible wounds, my truth. Red: Shame and Chaos, Black: Destruction, Gray: Loneliness and Emptiness, Dark Blue: Sadness and Isolation, Dark Yellow: Depression and Love Self Esteem, Green: Guilt and Disgust. I constantly felt like my head was going to explode from all the negative thoughts/emotions and there was always a dark cloud over me.  The wheels are the negative thoughts continually grinding, getting stuck on repeat, the chain and lock represent being a prisoner of my own mind.   I was a wild tornado inside with shame, guilt, disgust, unworthiness, being unlovable, being broken, being insecure, just swirling around making me so dizzy. The mirrors in my eyes represent what I saw looking back at me when I looked in the mirror, the salty tears running down my cheeks, the zipper on my mouth is because I had no voice, when I tried to use it, it was ignored, challenged and/or dismissed, so I kept it zipped since no one was listening anyway. The pieces of glass are the shattered parts of me, my innocence, heart, body, soul, spirit, faith, hope and dreams, and the puzzle pieces are a reminder that I am not whole, pieces of me were stolen and I fear I will never have unity, harmony and peace within myself.

Creating this artwork brings me a sense of pride knowing I have finally been able to show the world my true self.  I’ve hidden my traumas, suicidal thoughts, negative self-talk, lack of worth for so long, not wanting the world to know my pain because I was embarrassed and didn’t feel worthy of being seen or heard.  I suffered in silence for over 50 years, I feel lighter, free and ready to actually live my life, not just exist.  I put my inner most, real, raw feelings, emotions and thoughts into these masks, when I look at them, I can see and feel the pain I was in.  It has helped me to heal by being able to express my trauma through art