I indeed liked the taste and the numbing of my mind. It got me through the rough and horrible incidents. It even helped to keep the nightmares bearable.

I didn’t think it would hurt to partake during the days and nights. I stashed it in safe places, so I was never without its help. It prompted me to keep a smile on my face for those outside of me to see. I hid my feelings and my thoughts and, of course, the real story for so many years, holding it inside, by myself with the drink to help.

Then one day I stopped taking a sip; I was taking more. Awakened now, I was seriously scared, unprepared for what my mind would go through without the help. I was now alone and sick with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Going to a store, or church or any group of people was almost unbearable. Elevators were my enemy for sure, and distrust filled my life.

Marriage after marriage failed miserably. Letting my children go with their grandparents, then finally with their father was the only sensible thing I did. Saving them from seeing me get worse day by day and from putting them in danger of me, their mother, was inevitable. I had to let them go; no choice there. The loss almost ended me many times.

Over 20 years had flown by. Talking to this psychologist and that one, I still hid the nightmares of my life. One day the truth came flying out. A female counselor really listened and guided me to go on and on. She didn’t set time limits or say our session was up for now. She heard my life in those hours. I don’t think I ever cried so much for so long, but I didn’t stop my words, I let it all out.

I have not had the thought of having the crutching help in many years. I think I am scared of reliving the past all over. Maybe I fear that I won’t stop again, so I stay clear of the bar and people who make the drink their habit. I will often think of that day when I let loose the monsters that liked the drink, the false life and the torture it gave to me. It didn’t help me at all, so I am thankful to be alive and know I don’t need that drink to prove I am here and I am all right. I am a survivor.