Prison can be a place that strips you of all happiness. It is not supposed to be an environment that parallels the free world. However, I believe I have found a way to see the good. It basically reflects on how you view the situation. Let’s try this:
The living accommodations will let you relive your childhood with the junior-sized bunk beds. Yes, a 45-year-old man can still drape a sheet over his bunk, make a fort and be cool. The 12-foot by 15-foot cells come fully furnished with a small table, footlocker, and a stand-up locker for two adult men. There are no arguments over picking out colors or styles; the state has already saved you that dilemma. The development is a rent-free, gated community that has the best surveillance system in the state. Video cameras are everywhere, even the bathrooms. The perimeter security is sure to thwart any intruder. The 15-foot high fencing, complete with layers of shiny concertina wire, also has a vibration sensor should anyone try to use a ladder for entry. I am safe from the outside.
My gym membership will not expire as long as I live here. I pay no fees or get cornered by personal trainers seeking new clients. There are lines to wait in, and gang members get first choice. But who can complain? I got my workout in today.
As for what is in style and the current fashion trend, you will never hear that “those gray pants are so last season’s.” I have no decision to make concerning matching outfits or even if something is wrinkled. Faded clothing just means that I have been here a long time, but it is still in style.
While the Corona virus is the headline news every day, I thoroughly believe that we are the only community of 1,800 people that reached herd immunity in less than a year. Everyone got sick at one time or another, and the quarantine wing was full for several months. As we watched on the news that new COVID-19 cases were still happening, we had no new cases in months. Furthermore, while store shelves were running out of toilet paper, my single roll was passed out every Wednesday and Sunday. Although it is not the same quality as Charmin or Quilted Northern, it has the texture that cowboy legend John Wayne would admire because it doesn’t take crap off anyone.
Have you ever had that neighbor who brags about his 64-inch flat screen television? He lets you know how great the sound is and vividly describes the crystal-clear picture. And he certainly lets you know how much he spent for it. Not in here. Our 13-inch plastic flat screen is really not something to shove down your neighbor’s ego. This is the type of TV that guys will purchase for about $137 and not even take home to the streets. Television bragging rights are not an issue.
If you were ever a fan of the hit TV series “MacGyver,” guess what: you get to see some magical mechanical manipulation first hand. For instance, how about turning a double-A battery and a standard staple into a lighter? Or, creating a functioning tattoo gun by using the motor out of a CD player, some batteries and a bristle from a steel brush for the needle. The homemade ink is created by using the soot from burnt hair grease, alcohol extracted from deodorant, and a homeostatic mixture that a chemistry professor would admire. The handle of a flyswatter is a universal tool to stir boiling spaghetti in a water pitcher. So practical.
The culinary creations, made in a cell, would surely make Italian chef Emeril say “Bam!” Crushing up a 16-ounce bag of vanilla wafers in a medium size bowl, adding one can of 7 UP, and microwaving for 10 minutes will get a birthday cake baked and ready in no time. Ramen noodle soup recipes can be stretched to infinity by adding all sorts of meats, cheeses, crushed chips, mackerel or anything else in the canteen. The soup is also a prized choice for making prison pizza crust by crushing up around 10 soups, mixing in finely crushed crackers (any flavor) and adding hot water. Just kneed together in a large chip bag, roll a soda can on top until flat, and tear off the chip bag. Bon appetit!
Speaking of the canteen (grocery store), I just type in my order and pick it up on Friday. There is no bagging on my end, and the green mesh bag is durable and reusable. Such an eco-friendly society. Granted, I haven’t heard of grocery bag hold-ups on the news, but in here, just walk fast and no eye contact. You should be able to make it back to your cell safely with your stuff.
Relationship issues, divorce, and break-ups are common occurrences in this environment. When one guys receives a “Dear John” letter, or makes a phone call home and an unknown male answers, the pain stings us all since we have been there too. However, I cannot think of anywhere other than the military where such a diverse group of men can come together quickly and support the wounded in these types of tragedies. The support system will verbally condemn the heartbreaker as we listen to Taylor Swift break-up songs and tears of misery trickle down our cheeks. You would surely need insurance for this type of support group on the outside.
I have not witnessed a car accident in 11 years, nor have I been held up in traffic. While I’m watching the morning news report on road construction or major traffic issues, it does not pertain to me. In addition, not having to deal with those darn car insurance premiums, or even renewing a driver’s license, is so much less to worry about. The long lines at the DMV are a thing of the past. Although Amber Alerts and Silver Alerts are sad, should someone go missing in here--lock down. The situation will remedy itself in several hours and the formerly “lost” person’s whereabouts will be known in administrative segregation (the hole). There is always a successful conclusion.
When there is a tornado warning and the siren is signaling impending doom, have you ever been unsure about where to seek shelter? It depends on where you live and what options are available. It could be the basement, the bathtub or a ditch. There is absolutely no confusion here; I go to my cell. No thinking is required.
For those who have a complex about self-expression or nudity, prison life will help you get over it. There is no privacy at all. The showers, with four showerheads, no dividers, glass windows and video cameras will let you experience voyeurism first hand. As the corrections officers walk through the wing, private parts are no longer private. Strip searches are a common event and mandatory before and after visits. The way in which we are forced to come out of our shell and be viewed naked by strangers, I am surprised that there are no brochures for nudist colonies as part of a home plan option.
Conflict resolution is a skill that is practiced almost daily. With a lot of alpha-type males living in such close proximity, the chances of pissing someone off are great. Accidentally bumping into someone, having bad breath, saying something that a guy takes the wrong way or even a stare taken out of context can get you in trouble fast. Being able to avoid a fistfight, or a stabbing, is a crucial talent that can save your life and help you succeed later in the outside world. I believe a course like this would cost money on the outside, but in here, it is just part of survival. I never saw this benefit advertised on Court TV.
A matter that can have great potential in my home away from home is the subject of living with another man in a 12-foot by 15-foot cell. We are stuck with each other’s moods, body odors, music preferences and favorite television shows for years on end. After five years, I believe that this cohabitation would constitute a common law marriage, regardless of one’s sexual preference. I am not exactly sure if the IRS has included that as a qualifier for a tax credit yet, but I do see great merit in the argument.
Prison life can bring a person down and destroy his sense of normalcy in the world. I have discovered that it is all in how I view the situation. If I am looking for the bad, I will find it. But if I look for promising potential, or how the situation parallels the outside world, I have realized that I am living in a low-cost, isolated community that accepts everyone regardless of their age, race, religion or sexual preferences. I have never heard of the institution turning anyone away who has been judged worthy of coming and staying for a while. They will always leave a light on for you.