A HARD LESSON: A DAD’S GRIEF AND A DAUGHTERS’ FORGIVENESS
Kathleen Doll Cristofaro   sarge55af@aol.com         

While growing up I yearned for my Dad’s praise and love, yet it was through a visit with Death that I realized I always had it.
When my brother, Joey, joined the United States Air Force in the 1970’s, ever his competing shadow, right after high school, I enlisted too.
While stationed at Kincheloe AFB, Michigan, Joey was given TDY (Temporary Duty) to my base at Eglin AFB, FL to assist with the Vietnamese (Boat People) refugees.  We were happy to serve together, connecting as friends instead of rival siblings, unaware that this would be our last meeting.  During his TDY, Joey was killed off base after only 3 months at Eglin.
Standing vigil, escorting Joey on his final journey home to Yeadon PA, I knew our Dad would protect me from this heartbreaking nightmare.  Well, time was in slow motion as I was not prepared for my Dads’ grief-stricken words that would forever sear my heart, never to unhear words that would, still, did and do shatter my soul.
“YOU should have died instead of my only son.”  My Dad whispered as he looked at me accusingly with tears in his eyes.  I was made to feel that my presence being a painful reminder of all that was lost.  My Dads’ words made me feel guilty for living.  I wished I could trade places with Joey, I wish I could have appealed to my parents that both children could have been killed that night if I had accompanied Joey was usual to the pool hall.  How do I tell my parents to talk to God about His choice to take the exceptional and leave me, the survivor. For me, I walked away from my religion that day as the betrayal by both father figures filled me with despair.






By shunning me with harsh words, my Dads’ words taught me to be self-sufficient, look ahead, keep marching, that Life hurts must be learned as you go while dragging around my shattered heart.  Through the loss of my brother, I was given a hard lesson and Hope.  Joeys’ death gave me the motivation to reach out before it’s too late and I am left with regrets.  I now automatically give a compliment, apology or hug, they are too precious to save for later which might never be possible like the Joeys’ knock on my shoulder I long to feel again one last time.  
So now over 50 years later found me holding some old letters, which were proof that in an effort to keep me safe, my Dad had secretly appealed to Congress to grant me a Hardship Discharge.  I sat in stunned silence as could remember the day clearly in 1975 as I felt like a loser when my parents told me to leave the USAF, without sharing what they were trying to do behind my back.  I was angry when I told my parents I wanted to fulfill my orders with the 2 years I had remaining.  I would earn that Honorable Discharge in Joey’s memory. With sham now, I remember being annoyed and surprised that my Dad would ask me to quit without ever sharing his behind the scene reasoning.
Though my Dad could not express tender feelings or fears for me, my Dad showed me his Love in his secret.  When my Dad was ready, I was there with open arms, to forgive and be forgiven. We shared a hug of a lifetime; one I had always longed for; it was a healing hug that I hope to share with Joey when we meet again.