By Diane Wasden, Army
Writing Type: Poem
By Diane Wasden
VA Medical Center--Augusta, GA
Minutes following the painful, savagely, horrific, violent rape,
I found myself staring out at the lake
down the road from my family home.
My car was parked in the boat-ramp space;
I couldn't even remember driving there
or how long I had been parked there.
But one thing I did know:
today was the day I was gonna take my own life!
I had so many dark and twisted thoughts running rampant
in my head that it actually hurt.
My head felt like it had a bomb inside and was ready to explode,
but there was no way I was gonna defuse it.
I didn't feel human anymore, I felt so worthless,
I felt damaged in so many ways.
I felt so dirty and ugly, I couldn't let anyone see me.
I believed I had all kinds of labels stuck all over me.
All the nasty hideous words he called me
will be forever tattooed in my mind.
My conscience sounded out saying, "Why did you take it?"
I felt so guilty I just wanted to die; I no longer wanted to cry.
I rolled every window down in that car; darkness surrounded me.
It reached out its welcoming arms;
it helped me put my hands on the steering wheel.
All I had left to do was to put the car in drive.
See--it's so easy to die. I knew that drowning myself
would be so much cleaner than blowing myself away with a gun.
I don't want to be a burden to anyone;
I had to end this nauseating pain eating away at me.
I 'd lay down my life gladly to go where life is better than this.
I'm praying that the gates will swing open at my knocking.
At the very minute, God sent down a very special angel
to watch over me. She quickly informed me that killing myself
would, indeed, send me straight to hell.
She told me that God would take away my misery;
God would take away my pain.
All I have to do is open up my heart to Him;
He'll put love back in its place.
The evil that walks this planet is the nature of mankind.
In our life, we will encounter evil doings; it's unpredictable.
These hurdles in my life have devastated me;
guilt and shame have all but claimed me.
Lord, give me the strength to survive, courage to go on
and wisdom to stay alive.
The angel left me awestruck;
she spoke to my old crusty broken heart,
the part of me that I have so carefully hidden,
and will one day reclaim.